Connie’s Winter Snow Update
First of all, I want to make one thing clear.
I don’t like people. Most of them, anyway. It’s not that I’m better than any of them, I just get tired of putting up with their foolishness. The good Lord said to love thy neighbor. I’m fine with that. But there’s not a single word in the good book about having to like them.
The big snow this past week more than proves my point about people and foolishness. It just brought out the silliness in everybody, starting with my sister, Estelle.
First thing Friday morning she was outside making snow angels, right there in the front yard for all the neighbors to see. It was embarrassing. I put on my coat, marched right out there, and stood over her. She was swishing her arms up and down, whooping and giggling like a six-year old.
“Girl, what is wrong with you?”
“C’mon sweetie, it’s fun. I’m making snow angels like we did when we were kids.”
“Well you’re not a kid. You’re a grown woman. You need to get yourself back inside.”
But she just kept flapping her arms and smarted right back to me. “Don’t you need to go to some dark place and hang upside down for a while?”
I rolled my eyes at her. “Estelle, honey. You’re a drama queen. I get that. But do I really have to attend every performance?”
She finally got up, brushed off the snow, and spoke indignantly. “Humph, you’re raining all over my parade of awesome right now.”
“Well, you’re acting like a child.”
“Of course I was. I think that’s the point here.”
“It’s just a little snow sweetie. Sooner or later we all have to be adults. It’s time you took a turn.”
“Constance Grace, you’re forgetting one basic thing here.”
“Oh, and what’s that?”
“I’m not in training to be you.”
“Humph. Well, anyway. You’re not as young as you think.”
“I’m young at heart.”
“Humph. Well, just make sure the other parts don’t get frostbitten.”
Later that morning Hoot Wilson’s truck got a little banged up when he slipped off the road and hit a tree. He managed to get it unstuck and brought it to Chick McKissick’s garage. Hoot claims a deer caused the wreck, saying it stepped right out in front of him. When he slammed on the brakes to miss it, he slid on the icy pavement. Hoot went on and on, insisting that the deer was the guilty party. Hoot told Chick he’d recognize the deer if he saw him again, not that it would do Hoot any good. I’m pretty sure the deer wasn’t insured.
Daniel Haagenson was down at the bakery making fun of the fact that school had been called off on Thursday before the first flake had fallen. He just couldn’t stop talking about how all the people down here didn’t know anything about driving in the snow. He moved here from Minnesota last May. Now, Mr. Haagenson is an older gentleman and has accomplished a lot of things in his live. But why he chose to retire in Watervalley is beyond me. I’d finally had enough and walked over to him.
“Daniel, you seem to taking a great delight in how we do things down here.”
He smirked and looked to the side. “I’d say it’s more like how you don’t do things, Ms. Thompson.”
“Well, that being the case, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Did you know that every snow flake is made up of 200 ice crystals that form around a tiny spec of dirt floating in the atmosphere?
“Ya don’t say? Hmmm, I didn’t know that.”
“Umm hmmm,” I said kindly. “You’ve accomplished a lot of things in your time haven’t you, Daniel?”
“Yep, I’d say that would be true, Ms. Thompson.”
I smiled warmly. “Well, Daniel, right now could be one of those times when keeping your mouth shut might be your greatest accomplishment.”
Later that day Stink Pilkington slipped and fell on the ice and had to go to Dr. Bradford’s office to get his knee x-rayed. Stink is a raggedy little fellow and older that dirt. He’s amiable enough but never had much ambition. He pretty much started at the bottom and liked it there. Stink grins a lot and drinks a lot more. When I see him around town he looks like the little man on the Monopoly card with his pockets sticking out. His Christian name is Adolphus but he got the nickname Stink because as a school boy he was known for his weapons grade flatulence…an attribute for which he was extremely proud; that and the fact that he had once burped the entire alphabet.
He hasn’t owned a car in years. He claimed that he had walked to the store to buy bread but got confused after he got there and bought beer instead. After he fell, his knee hurt so bad he called Sheriff Thurman, who found him laying in the snow with two empty beer bottles beside him. According to Stink, the beer was for pain relief until the Sheriff arrived.
When I heard about Stink being at the clinic, I drove over there to give him a lift home. You see, one of my little known delights is off-roading. So last year I bought me a Jeep Wrangler Sahara and had Chick trick it out with a RedRock 4×4 Grille Guard and a Teraflex Lift Kit and Steering Stabilizer along with a JCR Off Road Crusader Mid Width PreRunner Front Winch Bumper. It’s a sweet ride. And, most importantly, I look good in it. Hey, a girl’s got to have her passions.
Anyway, I arrived to the clinic at about 3:30 and there was Dr. Bradford and his sweet fiancé, Christine Chambers, having a snow ball fight out on the front lawn. They were chasing one another and laughing like the two star struck young lovebirds they are. It just made my heart glow. That was, until I passed by them and suddenly felt a snowball hit me squarely in my behind.
After my immediate shock, I turned around and cut a look at Dr. Bradford that would pulverize concrete. He later told me that my eyes actually emanated an orange glow. He thought for a moment that smoke would come out my ears.
“Luke Howard Bradford. Because of the good Lord’s grace, I’m going to spare you life right now.”
And can you believe it, he wasn’t’ the least bit remorseful. He walked over to me just snickering the whole time. “Ah come on, Connie. Lighten up. It’s a winter wonderland out here. You know I love you and it’s just all in fun.”
“Humph!” I said. “You’re just trying to save your skin.”
“Of course I am. I’m very attached to it. Besides, what happened to ‘vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord.’”
“Uh ummm, young man. Don’t be trying to call on some scripture life line now. Payback is coming, and it will be at a place of my time and choosing.”
“Oh, I’m not to worried Connie T. I know that inside you’re just a big softie.”
I crossed my arms and stared at him. “You need to know, Luke Bradford, that I can summon avenging angels with fiery swords at a moments notice.”
He grinned and gave me a big hug, trying to make me smile. It didn’t work.
“Humph.” I’m here to give Stink a ride home. You need to quit this foolishness and go buy this young lady some hot chocolate before you both catch a cold.” With that I turned and went inside.
After I got Stink safely back to his place I went home and spent a little time in the back yard enjoying the splendor of all the hush and twilight. It was beautiful. Then carefully, I made up about a half dozen perfect snowballs and placed them in the freezer.
Come April Fool’s day, Dr. Bradford is in for a wonderful surprise.
