Ask Connie…The Latest News From Watervalley
Spreading the Love
These are some recent excerpts from Connie Thompson’s advice column in the Watervalley news paper. Hope you enjoy! – Dr. Luke
(From the September 7th edition of the Watervalley News)
Dear Connie,
I’m a good looking, well educated, middle aged guy who has been married and divorced three times. Women don’t get me…mainly because they all end up being dumb as rocks. Even still, I like being married. Any advice about what I should look for in number four?
Sincerely,
Need to be respected and appreciated.
Dear Needy,
You say you’re an educated man, but apparently you have a degree in “Being Wrong All The Time.” Instead of respect and appreciation, it sounds more to me like you need to be swaddled and burped. And as far as number four goes, here’s my advice. Instead of getting married, just find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It’ll save a lot of time.
Sincerely,
Ask Connie
(From the October 4th edition of the Watervalley News)
Dear Connie,
I’m twenty-eight and single, with a good paying job. I’m kind of shy and I guess most of my girlfriends would call me plain. But I recently met this guy that I really like. He’s very good looking and treats me like a queen. The only problem is, is that he’s five years younger than me and doesn’t have a job. He wants to be independent and says he’s tried to start a couple of businesses before but they didn’t pan out. He says he’s just has bad luck. It also concerns me that I recently found out that he’s a regular at the Alibi Road House. When I asked him about it, he was evasive and said sometimes he goes there to bounce ideas off of friends. Now he wants to borrow $5,000 dollars from me to start his next business. I’ve asked him about it but he’s rather vague on the details. I’d like to loan him the money but I’m not sure he’s being completely honest. How can I tell if he’s a compulsive liar…you know, assuming his pants aren’t on fire?
Sincerely,
Trying to be Street Smart
Dear Trying,
Writing lover boy a check will not be street smart…. unless, of course, you’re trying to be Sesame Street Smart. The fact that he wants to borrow money from you may be revealing his true nature as a bottom feeder. And you can rest assured that any guidance he’s getting at the Alibi is from a meticulously selected panel of lowlifes. As far as that bunch goes, I’ve seen more intelligent life forms in a Petri dish.
Just for crudsies, tell Mr. Arm Candy “no” to the loan, even if you really want to give it to him. That’ll determine if he’s Mr. Right or just Mr. Right Now.
In the end sweetie, all luck is earned. If you’ve got $5,000 to spare, I suggest you invest it in yourself. Buy some new clothes, get a new doo, find yourself a color consultant. Then maybe the real Mr. Right will come along on your own account and not just your checking account.
Sincerely,
Ask Connie
(From the November 3rd edition of the Watervalley News)
Dear Connie,
I’m almost forty and am a single mom with a sixteen-year old daughter. We do okay financially but, between paying the bills and saving for college, there’s not a lot of extra money . My daughter and I have always gotten along pretty well but recently it seems we argue all the time about money…mainly her wanting to buy more clothes. She also gets in a tiff about my rules regarding dating and her using the car, saying that I act like we are living “in the sixties.” But the worst part is when I ask her to help me with the computer. I’m not very tech savvy and when I ask her questions, she takes a tone with me like I’m a small child, as if she can’t decide if I’m emotionally unbalanced or just incurably stupid. I’m thinking that maybe to keep the peace I should just dip into her college fund and buy her some clothes and an inexpensive car. Can you offer any advice?
Sincerely,
Stressed
Dear Stressed,
There’s a hole in your logic large enough for barge traffic. Generally, stress is caused by three things: family, money, and family with no money. And as far as the “sixties” go, let me give you a little wisdom from the Age of Aquarius. The first thing you need to do is to get rid of your case of the sissies. Parenting is not a popularity contest. The next thing you need to do is sit your daughter down and have a little come to Jesus with her. Tell her she needs to make nice. You tell her you didn’t make fun of her when she was learning how to use a fork. She’s got no business making fun of you about learning to use the computer.
Then I’d tell her that you love her and you want what’s best for her, and that includes going to college. But you need her help with that. Tell her she can have an inexpensive car if she gets a job and helps pay for it…that if the two of you work together, you can punch above your weight. She’s sixteen and wants to be her own person, her own individual. I understand that and so should you. But she’s also part of a family and this is what families do.
Sincerely,
Ask Connie
For now, that’s all from Watervalley.
Until next time!
